polygyny/polyfidelity: realistic solution to oppression & disunity?



In the following email about polygamy/polygyny/polyfidelity, a reader, sharing her thoughts after an individual study on the subject, wonders if a modified or resurrected, egalitarian version (Above: "TriTalk | Is the Love Equal?" YOUTUBE) of the practice might be an immediate solution to and defense against persistent forms of politico-economic oppression such as greed ...



(Above: The Co-Wives YOUTUBE)


(Above: 3, The New Normal 2016 YOUTUBE | IMDB)

She specifically mentioned an example where perhaps a father has children with different women yet those women choose to get along and foster and cultivate their relationships with each other for the purpose of making sure the children feel at home even when they are with their "step" mothers. In fact, I'm sure this type of thing happens pretty regularly already.


(Above: Amunet, Polight, & Raet on Sex, Race, Trump, & Black Women YOUTUBE)

I would assume the reverse of this would also be something to consider, although the majority of these type of multi-parent situations that I know of involve woman sharing a common link to one man. But given the incarceration rates (or unjust incarceration laws) affecting black men, this is no surprise.

Like she suggests, the practice must be shielded by a sub-culture bubble from the mainstream norms. As a matter of fact, Africana diaspora nations may offer more fertile soil. But the fundamental concept is sound--multiple parents who share a common father or mother spouse making those ties of accountability stronger to each other. Classicists of all cultural stripes point out that bisexual polygyny was an ancient norm to foster and reify permanent inter-generational collaboration, interdependence, and harmony among familial codependents. The internet is full of loving examples of poly triads, throuples, threesome relationships, &c. As long as there is some sort of serious classic cultural understanding and appreciation taking place, alongside relentless communication and emotional therapy, these relationships should thrive.


(Above: Aayanna & Polygyny YOUTUBE)

And maybe the women wouldn't all want to get married to a brother, but perhaps they might define for themselves a higher definition or title for their mutual relationship than "baby mamas/daddys" as to hold each other accountable for each other's and the collective responsibilities; belonging to the shared family unit collectively. What's needed isn't matriarchy or patriarchy; every child knows it doesn't want to be patronized or matronized, just balanced in tune with the cradle.


(Above: She Hate Me 2004 YOUTUBE | IMDB | AMAZON)

Here's what she had to say:

"I stumbled upon a blog last week about Polygamy, it's African and biblical origins and as a possible alternative for single parent homes so prevalent today and breakdown of the black family in western culture. Reading what everyone had to say was really interesting and got me thinking a lot deeper on the subject. Perhaps a modified version could be the cure for the destruction. At first when I read it I was like, 'hell nah that's some crazy cult mess,' then I thought about my current situation.



(Above: Threesome 2018 YOUTUBE | IMDB | AMAZON)

"Neither of us are "married" to him but the three of us are bonded as a parental unit and have the common goal of love, nurturing, and growing. Which in theory loosely resembles a polygamist or closed polyamorist union.

"The basic idea of it can't be ignored as we all strive to regain and redefine the 'village' culture in western society. I think it would be interesting for The Liberator readers."


(Above: You Me Her 2016 YOUTUBE | IMDB | AMAZON)


(Above: Professor Marston & the Wonder Women YOUTUBE | IMDB | AMAZON)


(Above: Big Love 2006 YOUTUBE | IMDB | AMAZON)


(Looks Like Love To Me YOUTUBE)

Notable Polygyny on Social Media:
@poliginia


@the_cowives


@triamorlove


@thetrifectalove: @the_kassandra_lee, @carlyashira, & @paoulocq


@portahtriad


@ashleycoco_, @karytasantos, & @deraydavis


@im.with.them


@brother_polight, @raet777, & @amunetatumre


@2wives1husband, @kristylelove, & @kenyealove



"Personal Growth Through Consensual NonMonogamies: Considering boundaries, facing shadows, and embracing spirit" by Elisabeth A. Sheff Ph.D., CSE (psychologytoday.com)

For some people, the emotional rigors associated with consensual non-monogamies (CNM) offer a pathway to self-growth. Because the popular media tend to focus on sexuality when discussing polyamory and other forms of CNM, it might be surprising to hear that multiple-partner relationships can foster anything beyond orgasms, much less the lofty goals of personal growth. This is not to say that all or even most polyamorous folks are spiritually evolved, or that monogamous folks are any less spiritually evolved than those in CNM relationships. Discussion among some poly people or groups can have an obnoxious holier-than-thou tone, exalting CNM as superior and more evolved than monogamy. That is not this blog. Rather, the point is that polyamorous people can seek personal growth through their relationships - and some of them even find it.

Considering Boundaries

Selecting a CNM relationship means going outside of the conventional social boundaries that have been very clearly identified in the mass culture. In addition to the personal relationships of the people around them, people see monogamy and cheating demonstrated repeatedly in movies, television shows, songs, and pretty much every other form of media. If people want to have CNM relationships, they need to consider what they want, what they will not tolerate, and what they might be willing to compromise on. Pondering one’s boundaries can encourage self growth through reflection and testing limits. Many forms of CNM, and especially polyamory, emphasize self-possession, rather than partners possessing each other. This orientation towards self-possession means that people in CNM relationships are required to focus on and manage their own reactions, boundaries, and emotions.

Facing Shadows

Carl Jung famously defined the dark, unconscious, or repressed parts of a person's psyche as their shadow. Jealousy and other challenging emotions commonly relegated to the shadow can occur frequently in polyamorous and other CNM relationships. While some people can watch their lover making out with someone else and feel joy that their beloved has found a cutie to snog (in poly lingo, that special kind of joy is called compersion), for most people that it an incredibly challenging situation. Feeling the jealousy, learning how to manage it, living through it, and coming out the other side can be a harrowing journey that creates strength and resilience in the long run. Facing the jealous, angry, grasping, competitive, territorial, or insecure parts of their personalities and refusing to allow them to be in charge can help people grow beyond these shadow elements. Cultivating unconditional love, tolerance, and kindness through learning to tolerate and move beyond jealousy and insecurity can bring tremendous personal growth and peace.

Embracing Spirit

Some people find spiritual enlightenment through CNM relationships. Tantra, a sacred sexuality tradition based in tenets of Buddhism and Hinduism, offers some practitioners of CNM a way to integrate meditative and yogic elements into their multiple partner relationships. Polygamous relationships, a traditional form of multiple partner marriage often practiced as polygyny in which one husband can have multiple wives, are often embedded in religious communities such as the Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints (Fundamentalist Mormons) or Islam.

In some cases, Afrocentric cultures in the United States also embrace polygyny as a way to reconnect with traditional practices of many African cultures. Racist laws, law enforcement, and sentencing mean that a disproportionately enormous number of African American men are incarcerated, leaving fewer possible partners for African American women who wish to marry an African American man. Such a gender imbalance among the heterosexual population can encourage polygamy. In other cases, the draw of connection in a hostile and divided world sparks people’s interest in intentional communities that blend spirituality, marriage, and mutual reliance. (via)


Polyamory Part 2
(Summer Rain)

"Two are better than one, and three are even better, for a cord of three strands is not easily broken."
(Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

My Name is Summer and Ive been in a fun loving triad for almost 7 years now. A triad is generally made up of three adults who are all sexually involved, commonly understood as a ménage à trois. Most triads form when a single person joins an open couple. When I first met my couple, Chacha and Jimmy, I remember researching for these blogs or some sort of advice, like I’m writing now and I had very little luck. If I did find anything, it was very negative. Even today, Im about 10 pages into a polyamory book and Ive already read about 3 mini stories that end in disaster.

I had a great deal of positivity from my last blog linked below and that encouraged me to continue with more. Since then, my triad has expanded our 5 year plan, got engaged, and also was filmed for a media series and interviewed for a couple hours on our relationship. The 5 year plan includes marriage, babies and more, jimmy went above and beyond for our engagement which made the news, and the interview we did for Barcroft Media really gave us an opportunity to reflect on our life together.

I mentioned in my last post that “Our relationship was closed for many years due to me being uncomfortable with the idea of opening our triad.” “When I met my girlfriend and boyfriend it was at a concert that I attended with a group of girls for promotional modeling” “Being the “third” I never wanted to step on her toes, or make her feel uncomfortable with me.” These are some key topics I want to touch base on in this part two.

Respect is important

I was fortunate to join a couple with great problem solving skills, and a very strong foundation which relied on communication. In order to be in a stable poly triad, you have to have an equal respect for all members and find an open way to communicate. This is especially important if you are entering a couples relationship. I remember coming into the relationship I never wanted to step on her toes or make her feel uncomfortable with me. I was sleeping in her bed, eating her food, even down to the point where when things first got intimate , I just let her tell me what to do. And not to always say that primary and secondary roles have to exist, but you do have to be somewhat understanding of boundaries, and you need to be submissive to the person, or people you are joining. This doesn’t have to be a spoken thing really, when I met Chacha and Jimmy, they never really put any rules for me. Our way of life, and way to respect each other sort of just came about naturally. I’ve learned Chacha doesn’t like hickies and jimmy doesn’t like when you wander off without telling where you’ll be going. I’ve learned they both needs lots of hugs and kisses, even when they seem busy or standoff-ish. Ive learned so much about these two and I cant wait to learn more. It is ok to make mistakes but it’s important to never forget your intent. If you have questions, talk about it, If you , or he or she needs space, ask for it, or give it. Joining a couples relationship Is not the time to put up walls, it’s the time to break them all down.

Opening up

With our triad being closed for many years, or polyfidelitous, the relationship structure where all members are considered equal partners and agree to restrict sexual activity to only other members of the group, I witnessed both my girlfriend, and boyfriends urge or explore and meet more people. I really didn’t think I could handle it. Any topic of bringing another girl into the picture stressed me out, and if Im being honest, it also turned me on. Confusing right? Why would I be assuming all this negativity but still internally excited? How could I possibly share my thoughts and feelings about this with not one person, but in front of two possibly three? Was I not enough to fulfill my couple? If I went through with being openly poly, would we stay doing everything together or would things separate? All questions I had to ask myself. I remember sitting my couple down and suggesting they went and dated without me , and they could either share their experiences when they got home or maybe I wouldn’t even wanna know. I was really confused on how I could possibly make it work. At that point is when they made it clear they wanted me involved if expanding our hearts further was going to work. This was comforting, but took a lot of prying and being extremely uncomfortable in my skin. Without struggle there is really no growth, and Im thankful for the struggles I come across because it really does bring growth.

The Quad.

I mentioned previously that we had another girl join our triad to form a quad for a few months but it didn’t work out. She was a girl we collectively met online, and made it clear she had interest in us all. She lived a few hours away, but really wanted to make a trip down to meet and see us. She at the time was in a relationship with another female an told us it was an open relationship and her girlfriend was fully aware of our plans to meet and get to know each other on an intimate level. Come to find out after spending out first weekend together, this was not the case. Her girlfriend was upset, and she was torn. She really enjoyed her time with us, we all did, and that is when she decided to split from her girlfriend who in her words was being “unsupportive.” We had no intention of moving things faster than they were, but with the situation at hand, we offered her to come stay with us for awhile, help with our business and essentially make our triad, a quad. We had meetings on a weekly basis just touching base on all of our feelings and making sure we were still on the same page as we progressed in our relationship as a polyamorous quad. I have to say it was really hot. She was a shyer, more quiet member of the family, but we all liked each other very much. We bought a HUGE bed, so we could all be more comfortable at home, we seemed to be meshing pretty well. She started to help us around the house, and in our company when we would model, or take photos, she was always involved. We booked a trip to Hawaii in the midst of our excitement and had a wonderful vacation. The honeymoon phase when things still feel so new and exciting is really just that, exciting. In my opinion, with all the events in our company, and things we had going on, it was always so busy and fun from day one when she entered our family, that the work didn’t feel like work. Until we got back from Hawaii. Owning a business is not easy. Now taking a vacation as an entrepreneur is an expense that is hard to take. “vacation consists of 2 weeks that are 2 short after which you are 2 tired 2 return 2 work but 2 broke not 2.” As you can imagine we had a lot of work to catch up on. For me when I joined the triad , the work was always fun, even the hard work. For our 4th, it wasn’t long after a few days of hard work that she literally took off. Talk about a vanishing unicorn, haha just kidding. I think communication is so important and in my opinion, we had a great experience in a successful polyamorous quad relationship where all people, our boyfriend , and all three of us girls, were involved and all liked each other. Most quads portrayed in the media , are not all romantically involved. When you bring a new partner into an existing relationship, it’s easy to see how that person might be intimidated, especially if your existing relationship has a long history behind it. It’s important that you know what it is you have to offer that new partner, and seek to provide a safe and secure space for that relationship to grow, even in some cases, like this even when things seems great, they’re just not meant to be.This was the point where we as a triad, went through our first real breakup, together.

The Engagement

My triad owns a business together and we were hosting an event the night before their 10 year anniversary. Chacha and Jimmy had been together 3-4 years before meeting me, so this was their big 10 years. Our boyfriend Jimmy walked on stage with our girlfriend Chacha and myself telling the whole crowd at an event he was going to freestyle a rap, so everything naturally started filming. He started confessing his love for us both, and I truly had no idea what was happening at that point, even being so close to their anniversary. As he kept talking we both started to notice his nervousness and we all started to feel it, something big was about to happen. With lights flashing all around, he got on one knee and two rings appeared when he asked us if WE would marry him. I naturally looked to Chacha for approval, as she said YES, I did too. I started shaking uncontrollably I was in complete shock and once again honored to be unified even further with them. We later found out that our rings were made from a single diamond split into two, from the same solid stone. He did great. We started to discuss our wedding plans a year from that same date, but with the baby fever kicking in, and mother natures clock ticking away, we planned to speed up our date to December 15 of this year 2019, Giving us about 6 months to plan a unique, one of a kind polyamorous wedding ceremony for three people rather than two. Im really excited to see where life takes us, as I continue growing up, I’m finding that loving more than one person is really rewarding, and I know we all have more love to share.

Unicorns

A unicorn is a poly cliche of a bisexual woman who will fit into the couples life at their convenience , bringing no additional partners of her own, disappear or pass as a friend when being openly poly might embarrass or inconvenience the couple, and hopefully wants to do the laundry and take care of the kids.

I feel the term unicorn and unicorn hunting is portrayed as such a negative term in poly communities, and as someone who was a unicorn, and or now, “hunts unicorns.” This isn’t really a bad thing, as for me, it was an honor. The third person, or unicorn has to be universally submissive or the formation of the triad will not work. I was willing and ready to find our way to making it work, even if that meant passing off as the friend for awhile, or skipping a few conjoined holidays. It is ok to be unsure, it is ok to be bisexual and sexually open. Even though not always the case, unicorn Hunters are generally , just like my couple, a heterosexual man and bisexual or heteroflexible woman looking for a bisexual woman. Again, to me, not a derogatory term. Bisexual women are fetishized for the very reason couples seek them out. It is culturally desirable to have threesomes with two women. One of the opinions I’ve read “It is not as desirable to have threesomes with two men because of our deeply ingrained cultural homophobia. It perpetuates erasure of bisexual men by embedding a preference for girl-on-girl sex into our perception of sexuality.” I’ve had many people ask why not another man, or why not a non-binary or transexual. Im a female polyamorous bisexual so to me, a manly man, and a girly girl is my preference. Bisexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction, or sexual behavior toward both males and females, or to more than one sex or gender. It's different from Pansexuality , which is a romantic or sexual attraction to people of any sex or gender identity. I think people will judge anything they don’t understand and this is no different. Im not homophobic because I would prefer to see girl on girl action , over boy on boy. It is my simply my sexual preference.

I saw something on facebook today that read [plot twist: two in love bisexual woman looking for their male unicorn] I thought this was a fun way to poke at the term because polyamory can look like so many things, so many different scenarios; to assume and try to group so many people into one category Is very limiting.

Where to Hunt Unicorns, again, joking, kinda.

This Is actually a question we get through social media, or in person at least once a week, Where do I find a third, where do I meet poly people, where, where where? You probably want someone to love you both because you feel like you've got a lot of love to give and it would be the coolest for everyone to all be in love. If you’re looking for the right reasons, I think what’s meant to be will, and hopefully you and I both find the loves we’re looking for. When I met my girlfriend and boyfriend it was at a concert that I attended with a group of girls for promotional modeling. This is your not-so-average dating hookup , where we met at a bar, texting turned to sexting, which turned to our first time hanging out and also our first threesome together. So my first tip on meeting people is to do it as often as possible, and go out on the scene like you would go to meet any one person, but together. I think clubbing is a great place dancing in social settings is really fun and takes the edge off of conversation. This is where the girl needs to be proactive, at least equally or even more so than the guy. First impressions last forever so making a first impression on the girl you meet is what’s important, not so much where you are. Through networking I’ve heard of an app that was popular last year called Feeld, Calling itself the “Tinder for couples, singles and swingers,” the app functions like the typical dating apps, with a swipe-for-match interface. What's interesting about the app is that profiles are set up in a manner like Facebook profiles. However, it looks like one con to the app is that there aren't tons of users. Social media is a great place to break the ice, but can also lead to a crazy world of being cat-fished, trolled, and confused. Ive seen an ad on facebook for poly speed dating, which seems cool, but I assume you can’t attend those things as a couple. Ive heard the website fetlife Is a great hookup site for swingers, but again, making a real connection is what it's all about. The only way to get out there, is to get out there. You could meet him or her at church, y’all could meet at a restaurant, y'all could meet on an app, or in a strip club, the reality is you just got to get out there and look if thats what you’re trying to do.

I am open to the idea of loving more people and expanding our relationship. I think it's a fulfilling and rewarding thing to add on to a relationship. Sharing another person is a sexy and intimate thing that is becoming more popular, because it just makes sense. Someone once told me that men, by nature, need variety, and women, by nature need lots of orgasms, and polyamory fulfills these needs. While I agreed with her and still do, I have now come to understand, by nature, men and women both need variety and orgasms to be truly happy.

"Happiness - only real when shared."
(Christopher McCandless)

[via]

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